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Admission essay excerpt
I can’t say that I have a very promising start. I’ve been out of school for 10 years and is now a mother of three. However, I wouldn’t want to change anything in my life, even if I have the chance, because whatever happened in the past made me persevere more. I believe that it’s never too late to think about getting a college degree and be the first in the family to do so. I want to set a good example to my children and prove to them that any adversity is no excuse to get stuck in the same place and situation. I’ve always been fascinated with how the body works and took interest in MRIs and X-rays when I got the chance to work in a hospital. Finally discovering my passion, I would like to apply for a Radiology program at _________ and be a professional radiologist to fulfill my dreams and aim for a better future for my family.
Sample outline:
I. Introduction
A. Talking about personal hardships
i. being a mother of 3
ii. out of school for 10 years
iii. being the first to get a college degree in the family
B. Talking about my motivations
i. believing that I’m not too old to go back to college
ii. setting a good example to my children
C. Applying for a radiology program at ______
i. fascination about the way the body works
ii. fascination about X Rays and MRIs
iii. discovering what I love to do
iv. providing a better future to my family
II. My experience
A. working as volunteer in Breash Health at ______
i. helping the technicians get the rooms ready and preparing the records
ii. assisting patients, making sure that they’re comfortable
B. 3 years experience as EKG tech at _________
C. 13 years experience as a nursing assistant at _______
D. working as manager in casino in-between health care jobs
III. My interest in the health care field
A. wanting to work in the health care field even as a young child
B. helping others brings great joy and satisfaction
C. growing fascination with the technical side of things
D. observing technicians at ___hospital during my free time
IV. Going back to college
A. Getting the support of my family
i. taking pride that I will be the first to get a college degree in the family
ii. helping me watch over my children when I go back to school
B. Making it happen
i. believing that I can create a better future for my family
ii. being fully dedicated to what I love to do
C. Personal attributes
i. multi-tasker
ii. dedicated
iii. interest in helping others and other community
iv. having good grades
v. being fully motivated
When you hear about writing a statement of purpose, the first thing that probably comes to yor mind is “big” and “great” ideas. However, there are seemingly great ideas that can be the cause of your essay’s downfall. CEO shares some of them.
Revealing too personal information
We all know how desperate you can feel. But addressing the admissions officer like he’s your bro can give you more headaches than easy ins. Try not to tell the awesome party story, try not to mention the police, try not to begin paragraphs with the single-word sentence, “Look.” I know you dress to impress, but let’s maintain some semblance of formality here. The person reading your essay is likely wearing a tie.
Although you have to reveal yourself through your essay, you have to be careful not to reveal too much. The admissions committee doesn’t want to pry on personal details that are not related to your application. Another thing that you have to do is to limit the level of informality of your essay. You always have to remember that your readers hold high positions in the academe.
Writing all about your accomplishments
An essay about how awesome you are. My including this may seem like a trick. Even, perchance, a snarky bit of round-a-bout. All essays are implicitly about how awesome you are. Of course. But if you say things like “I don’t want to sound arrogant,” you are. You really, really are. Find a way to slip in how incredibly awesome you are by describing what you do rather than how you are.
Your personal statement should focus on you, your qualifications and strengths. But please, don’t patronize yourself too much. You will sound boastful and arrogant. If you want to include your accomplishments and talents, there are creative ways to prevent you from sounding like a braggart.
Here are some helpful tips on how to deliver your message.
don’t be subtle or cute. Write in a clear and logical manner. If you have to be creative, that is fine, but do so in a straightforward way. These people are really interested in your vocation. They don’t want to read something that is in the form of one act plays nor do they want to read three adjectives per noun. They want you to be direct and straightforward.
Your statement of purpose should be balanced. It is alright if you incorporate great ideas, but make sure that you do it in a way that would not affect the quality of your essay.
Have you written a draft for your college application essay? Do you think it is near perfection? Read it again and you will see that there’s always room for improvement. Get College Info shares some tips on how you can improve your statement of purpose. Here are some of them:
Add humor to your college application essay
Put a little bit of humor in your writing. Of course, the college application essay is not a stand up comedy routing, but a little humor helps show a more modest side to your self. Remember to stay on topic while modestly making light humor out of some of the subject matter in your college admissions essay topic.
When you decide to add a dash of humor, make sure that you know how to handle it well. Humor is a very effective tool when used by expert writers, but it can also be risky to those who don’t know how to use this approach effectively. It should appear amusing and somewhat funny, not forced and confusing.
Remove “big” words from your essay
Try to avoid using really big words that you normally would never ever use in real life. This will only come across as inflated and a little odd to them. But don’t worry, they read enough of this type of thins in many college admissions essays all the time from others. Be original.
Big words will make your essay sound superficial and trying too hard to impress. Instead of highfalutin terms and jargon, just use simple words to be more straightforward and to express yourself better.
Let others read your essay
After you have written the essay and have made corrections on it, have family and friends look at it with a critical eye. Ask friends or family members who have already written a college application essay to take a look at it to see if it does any justice based on their past essay experience.
Others can easily spot the errors you might have missed. You can ask your former mentors and peers to read and comment on your essay. A fresh pair of eyes can see small but significant mistakes you’ve missed when you’re in a hurry or you think your essay’s done already.
Don’t be afraid to revise your essay
Here are some suggestions from another article:
As you revise your paper, try to phrase your thesis or purpose statement in a precise way so that it matches the content and organization of your paper.
Make sure that you achieve unity in your essay. Don’t be afraid to change anything in order to improve your essay. Make sure that the ideas flow well and that the essay is clear about your purpose for application.
Improving your essay doesn’t end with a few revisions. You have to read it again and make revisions. Add a twist of creativity to make it more interesting to read, and let others review it.
There are a lot of important decisions to make during the planning stage and when writing your personal statement. San Jose State University shares some factors that you need to decide upon when you write your statement of purpose.
Purpose of writing the application essay
Usually the purpose is to persuade the admissions committee that you are an applicant they should choose. You may want to show that you have the ability and motivation to succeed in your field, or you may want to show the committee that, on the basis of your experience, you are the kind of candidate who will do well in the field.
You have to keep this purpose in mind while you are writing your essay. This will guide you with the flow and content of your essay. You also have to think about your readers. Know the things that the admissions panel would want to know about you.
Content of your statement of purpose
Here are examples of the usual subjects included in the statement of purpose:
“What are the strengths and weaknesses in setting and achieving goals and working through people?” In this question there are actually six parts to be answered 1) strengths in setting goals, 2) strengths in achieving goals, 3) strengths in working through people, 4) weaknesses in setting goals, 5) weaknesses in achieving goals and 6) weaknesses in working through people. Pay attention to small words. Notice: This example question says through people not with people, if it says with people, answer that way.
You don’t have to include everything that’s mentioned above, but focus on those that will reveal your good character. Opt for topics that you are most comfortable to write about and share to your readers.
Style
There is no such thing as “the perfect way to write a statement.” There is only the one that is best for you and fits your circumstances.
You can use creativity and humor on your personal statement. Just make sure that you know how to handle these elements for they’re not easy to manage. Try your best not to make your essay appear amateurish or sleazy.
Here’s another tip from another article:
Remember what you learned in first-year composition? You need a “hook.”
The so-called hook is an element in essay writing that could draw the attention of the admissions committee right from the start. You can use human interest stories, introduce fresh ideas, or appeal to the emotions of your readers by citing experiences they can relate to.
Writing a statement of purpose involves a lot of decision-making. If you want to create a remarkable essay, you have to choose your topics well and create an outline to weed out irrelevant ideas. Focus on purpose, content, and style.
Your personal statement should be written long before the deadline. This is to provide you with enough time to revise it several times. But what if you have failed to prepare your essay earlier? What if you need to write under pressure? How would you handle it? Essay Help has some pointers on how to write quality personal statements and other essays when under pressure.
Formulate a strong thesis statement
Everything you write should develop around a clear central thesis statement. Good thesis statement zeroes in one main idea and states it clearly, avoiding ambiguous and vague phrases.
It should be specific, analytic and has to evaluate the significant insights of your essay. Strong thesis statement usually introduces the original approach to the traditional view on the problem.
If you want to write an excellent essay, create a very catchy intro that would leave a good impression to your readers. Your thesis statement will set the mood, flow, and direction of the whole essay. This is why you have to formulate an excellent intro.
Work on your personal statement’s intro and conclusion
Focus on one primary function of the introduction – to introduce your thesis statement clearly and precisely so that to grab the attention of the audience. The success strategy of writing your introduction is to start with the broad statement of your main idea and to close it with the actual thesis of your essay.
Don’t leave an unfinished and open-ended feeling at the end of your essay. Always remember that your essay must make its point clear right from the beginning and up to the logical ending.
Make your conclusion coherent and smooth and be sure to stress the significance of your work in the concluding part of your essay, pointing the ways in which your invaluable contributions can be applied.
Your introduction should be interesting enough for it to keep the interest of the admissions committee. Your conclusion should be able to leave a strong impression on the minds of the admissions panel.
This excerpt from another article has interesting things to say about the conclusion of your statement of purpose:
It should form conclusions that explain the value and meaning of your experience, such as what you learned about yourself and your field, your future goals, and your career plans. Draw your conclusions from the evidence your life provides.
To sum it up, you have to have to emphasize your qualifications and make sure that both the intro and the conclusion are tied together well.
